The Summer of ’15 (part 1)

Continuing from the post “The Summer of ’15 (intro)”…

So the fear had grown in me and I had started to believe in the lies that it brought. I had started to doubt that I could endure, pay and complete the studies that I had begun at Moody Aviation. These thought lingered in my head as I went to spend a week at a kids camp. The kids who were invited to come were all kids in Sweden who have parents who served as missionaries in a foreign country. I have gone to many of these camps over the years and it has always been very encouraging and spiritually refreshing. I came with the expectation to reconnect with God and to seek His presence again after the rough ending of last semester.

Usually adults of my age go to this camp as leaders, but since felt like I rather spent time with other missionary kids that taking responsibility as a leader I went there as a participator. It was also cheaper to go that way, so there is my excuse. It was actually really great to just be at camp to play games with the other kids of ages spanning from 10 to 24, sharing meals, going swimming, worshiping and praying together. I felt a great joy of just being rejuvenated by all this. One afternoon during the first couple days of camp I sat down for a while with my aviation textbooks and was trying to read up on old coursework to refresh my memory. To my great disappointment I realized that I didn’t recall as much as I had hoped. The fear took hold of me again.

That very evening God communicated something to me through another person. I was sitting still on my seat after the worship meeting that evening, contemplating my fears. As most people had left already I slowly thought about leaving the room to hang out with some other people. As was sitting there one of the other campers walked by, passed me, then stopped and finally turned around to face me. She said that she thought that God wanted her to tell me something that was from Him. I had no problem with that, and what she said was a reminder for me of things that God had taught me in the past. She said something in the lines of that God had let His peace live within me and that He wanted peace to thrive in my life. Even though she said this in many sentences this was the consensus of the message for me. After hearing this I knew that it was true what I heard. Through different people, whether I have been close to them or not, I have heard that they sense a peace that flow out from me. This is definitely something I think God has put in me and this reminder of God’s peace in my life made me think again.

How can I be afraid and have peace at the same time? Aren’t these two complete opposites? If they are opposites and they cannot coexist, how come that I am afraid but still am confirmed to have peace within me? The only reason to why this was possible was that one of them perhaps was not true. It then became an issue of which one of these that spoke the truth and witch one I should go on trusting. I was tempted to remain afraid because it felt justified. I thought I had legitimate reasons to be afraid. On the other hand I know how God has lead me in the past and that night He showed me that He still knew who I was. He invited me to trust again in Him to show me who I really was. I chose to trust Him again. I chose to trust that He still knew me and that the fears that had poisoned my mind were all lies.

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